Writing these "letters" has helped me to process life as a new mother, remain thankful, and come awake to the little moments that make this pretty challenging season simply wonderful.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Day 236...Christmas Blues and Sparkles

Oh the tension we live in here on earth!  I can't wait to be in heaven where it all makes sense and there's no strife but instead we will see clearly, not dimly as in a mirror...

Your daddy and I went shopping for you guys today.  We went to one store.  One Store.  
The fabulous Target everyone has come to love. 
I mean, who doesn't love Target!?  

Well.  We had fun.  Or at least it started out that way.  We ran from one shiny sparkly here, to another tough toy truck there...  Oh, Sadie would love this!!  Titus would get a kick out of that!  Then we started to go back and forth on what to get you guys.  The fun outing turned into stressful decision-making and over-deliberation.  Over budget.  Not practical.  Not enough independent play with that one.  Too much to set up every time.  She has more than him.  This one would be fun to open but how much would he really play with it, I mean really?  Mommy likes this; Daddy likes this.  I think next year we will buy separately.  I think it will go much more smoother.  I mean, you guys are two and four, how hard should this be?!  

Well. We finally decided on a few things for each of you and left pretty satisfied at our final choices.  We even learned a few things about each other in the process and appreciated one another, quirks and all, a little more.  (daddy and me)  

So I came home and got in the bath, my third one in about a week's time, which is a first for me.  You can tell by baths what kind of week it's been, but hey, it may become a more permanent thing for me in the end!  It was so relaxing, especially after such deliberation!  (the word of the night)...

I start reading my new favorite book "Seven," about an "experimental mutiny against excess," and I'm on the chapter "possessions." Oh boy.  Yeah.  This is where the tension enters the story.  I mean, how hard to come home with bags of stuff for your kids, and then to read about how the rich are praying to get richer in America?  Come on!  Can't a girl enjoy her Christmas being a fairly new mommy with actual cash in her wallet?  What's so bad about that?!  

I mean, we stuck to our budget and didn't go overboard by any means.  To tell the truth, we probably spent way less than the average American spends on Christmas.  No, extremely less.  But...does this make it right?  It sure doesn't make the pit in my stomach go away.  Not when I think about the thousands of people who died today of starvation, and I'm obsessing about whether to get my daughter a fuzzy white pony in a purse, or the stuffed cat from Aristocats with the cute pink bow.  I'm so confused now.  I want to think I have all the answers.  But as soon as I think I do, I realize I'm so far off.  I'm going to keep reading this book, and I'm going to keep letting the Lord use it to get to me.  And I'm really not complaining, even though I sound like it.  I'm just sounding off, because truthfully I do get it.  I get it all.  We're not one of these families who have multiple credit cards, fancy vacations, or even closets full of unused clothes.  We live on hand-me-downs, and we actually eat almost everything we buy on a weekly basis.  But all that said, I do have a hunger and thirst to be messed be the last, to be well-acquainted with the least, to bind of the brokenhearted, and so on.  I am so tired of consumerism and "keeping up," and worrying about having less than everyone else and not giving my kids all that they deserve.  I mean, reallly, what are you all lacking if you know you are loved and reminded of the good news on a daily basis?  

My main concern though...are we raising you guys to be self-centered?  over-indulgent consumers?  distracted?  Yikes. The burning and yearning in my heart to take you from here and touch and feel and smell and grab hold the poverty that the majority of the world is experiencing right now is, well, it's almost getting unbearable to contain.  I feel like there's a ribbon tied up against my chest and I'm leaning into it, ready to run from here.  And when someone shoots the gun I'm going to bust through that ribbon and take off.  But not from here location-wise necessarily, although it may be.  Here, status-quo-wise.  There are some Scriptures I've come to know and love that just don't match up with my lifestyle, and I'm thinking of letting them ruin me. Ruin our family.  I want to be a radical Jesus freak.  Forgive me, Lord, for ever hesitating.  I'll have to use a letter to tell you what those Scriptures are, and you'll see what I mean.

For now, this Christmas, my special girl...your mommy and daddy love you.  We love to shower you with good things, as does your Heavenly Father.  I'm going to hold myself back from returning everything tomorrow before it's too late and I've wrapped all the gifts.  (Here it is 6 days before Christmas and I'm contemplating a present-less Christmas for my preschool children--what is going on with me?!)  Just know this, that in our hearts lies the sincere desire to never spoil you.  We do want you to be happy, but all the while, we hope to be living examples of contentment and gratitude for the happiness that lives and breathes in our hearts: Jesus.  

Dear Sadie.

"every good and perfect gift comes from above..."  James 1:17

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