Writing these "letters" has helped me to process life as a new mother, remain thankful, and come awake to the little moments that make this pretty challenging season simply wonderful.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Day 239...birdies

Well it's been a long while once again, but not because of you my dear. It is all me for sure. I have felt dried up inside. This happens to me a lot during the holiday season. Every year I try harder to keep my Focus, and yet it never fails. I'm busy, distracted, having too much fun, having not enough fun, and the list goes on. There's always this tension I feel around Christmas. I really go into the season thinking I can be better this year about where my hope will lie, how to maintain my peace, where I will cut back and simplify, and how we will spend our time. But like a monster it sneaks up on you and next thing you know the whole thing is over and the monster ran away with all the treasured moments you were supposed to feel, and all those glowing memories you were supposed to make, vanished into this air. And you're taking down the tree thinking, when did I even sit and soak in the beauty of our hopelessly leaning tree these past two weeks? It's hard not to be sad. Or glad, that it is over and you can go back to normal. The tension is in the trying to fit our traditions and make them fit nicely into Jesus, and the truth is, they don't, usually. We need to be honest and just say it. Some things we do have nothing to do with Him. I think He understands. And there is grace and freedom. We don't have to be "spiritual" in everything we do. The beauty is in the honesty. In the moments when I tell Jesus I have neglected Him for the lesser things, and He says back to me, "I know," with forgiveness and wonder in His eyes that beckon for me to come and sit at His feet once again. And He starts to tell me stories of what He has been up to. What He has already done. He shows me the birds chasing each other outside my window, looking for morsels, building big beautiful nests, singing songs. He whispers to me, "I made those just for fun." And I kind of think how silly I am to take myself so seriously as I do so often. Could I just be a bird one day, and have the trust that they do? Couldn't I just labor and rest, aware that My Maker, in all of his glory, has done and is doing such amazing, awesome things, and that all I need to do is accept His invitations?
To be a bird. Only, I am His special creation, designed to do what only humans can do. I just have to have more if Him daily and to set my eyes on things above. I need only more of Him, and less of me.
Well thank you. Thank you for letting me pour out my heart. I hope I have learned something!

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