Day 124...jump-rope day

off to walmart we went.  this was our fun for the evening.  getting out of the house so we could breathe and see "the world" for a bit. let's see what fun we can buy with a dollar bill.  a dollar bill your "daa" slipped you when I wasn't looking. *smile*

for the hundredth time, i felt an alien walking through the sliding doors.  everywhere i looked, people were on a mission to grab and buy what they came in for.  batteries.  lipstick.  paint.  a towel rack.  roller blades.  hallmark cards.  bread.  what were we there?  to see what dollar item would put the biggest smile on your face.

at first i thought you were going to pick the bouncy balls that made you and Titus light up like Christmas trees.  they were so big you couldn't even wrap your tiny arms around them.  but soon, as i predicted, you went on to other things.  after about 20 minutes of oohs and ahhs and "no, let's find something smaller,"  your eyes landed on something you just had to have..."i've always wanted a jump-rope!"  just like your playgroup friends, you exclaimed.  i couldn't believe it.  it was actually 97 cents, too.  miraculous.  pure joy and energy surged your entire being, and we frolicked to the check-out.  you slapped your jump-rope onto the counter, along with crumpled up dollar bill.  the lady checking you out couldn't help but grin ear to ear, handling the transaction with sweetness and finesse.  i added 3 cents from my purse, and we were happily on our way.

never before had i believed that such minimalist times would bring me to realize how frivolous i used to be.  how the things i thought i had to have were really just an illusion, there to make my life frazzled and urgent and wanting.  i hope to get out of this mess soon, yes.  but i couldn't be more grateful for it at the same time. it's just what i needed to make me truly thankful and see clearly about the things we need and the desires we have and the balance of the two.  what makes me even more grateful is, while i wish i could spoil you kids a little more than we are able, i am so glad you've heard no so many times, you're content with asking and moving on without a temper tantrum, without making me feel horrible.  it's as though at three you are aware that we may not get everything we want, but that doesn't make us less happy.  it's a beautiful thing.

Dear Sadie.

Day 123...change

today i was reminded....

everything changes.  but GOD.

everything changes.  people change.  culture changes.  seasons change.  our bodies change.  moods change.  people move away.  we move.  we meet new people and take on their characteristics.  we change our clothes. we change our hair.  we change jobs.  we grow in nature, being affected by influences surrounding us, circumstances we find ourselves in.

but today i'm reminded.  one thing that never changes...GOD'S LOVE.

such a big point, but easy to miss.  you have to stop and think about it long enough for it to start sinking in.  and when it does, you can't help but SMILE.

i was carrying you to bed tonight and i was thinking, someday, I'm not even going to be able to do this anymore.  your feet hung down below my needs, your arms wrapped around me.  it made me sad to think not only am i not going to be able to do that someday, but you won't even want me to.  you'll change.  things will even change between us.  i don't want to even think about the great difficulties that lie ahead in adolescent years.  all i can see is right now.  and that's where i want to be.  but the truth is, things will change.  and there's nothing i can do about it.  in this world of shifts and angles, i'm content in knowing God's love for me, for you, and us, never goes anywhere.  it never runs out.  it never fades.  it never fails.  we can never grow out of it.  aren't we blessed.  we are blessed that his LOVE is a continuous flow through our very beings, and He never leaves or outgrows us.  there's great confidence in that if we let it seep into our souls.

you may grow out of my arms, sweet girl, but you'll always be in my HEART.

Dear Sadie.

"His love endures forever"  --all over the Bible

Day 122...just wiped

here i am at the end of another long day and i am so wiped that i cannot even keep my eyes open.  i hate that when it comes to "me" time, the tiredness wins over.  i feel like you, fighting a nap saying ever so matter of factly, "I'm not tired," and then conking out on the couch.

Dear Sadie.

Day 121...blah

i'm kind of feeling starved for inspiration today.  think i need to just do some soaking.
night sweetheart.

Dear Sadie.

Day 120...parents

your grandma (tabby) is a special, special lady.  she is the one who has taught me much of what I know, much of what i do, without even realizing it.  she never wrote me letters, but she did teach me in her own way, mostly in ways without words, as the biggest lessons seemed to get learned.  she is 66 today.  we celebrated at dinner tonight while you stayed with nana and daa.  i hope you get to know your grandparents well into your adult life. they have a lot of love to give and a lot of life still left in them.  there's much more to being a good parent than making all the right decisions.  (thank God!)  i see parents as lovers of those who are extensions of themselves. our children are on loan, and we are stewards of God's ultimate gift, lives.  i sense the only way to succeed in parenting, as in anything, is to stay connected to the Branch.  yes, He will teach us to love, and lead, and breathe, and rest and have fun.

Dear Sadie.

"honor thy father and thy mother"

Day 119...imagination gone wild

a child's imagination is something to wonder about.  today you played with a basket of crayons for nearly an hour.  first you lined a bunch up by color like a rainbow.  then they started talking to each other.  i couldn't hear all of the conversations, but i know for sure they were having crayon kids and babies.  can i borrow some of that imagination for my first book?  if i could just tap into some of what you got.

who needs toys when you have an imagination like yours?  how perfectly content you were for almost an hour while i was getting ready for the evening.  did i teach you that?  were you just born that way?  if i could package that ability or bottle it and give it away to strung out mom friends i would. maybe if we had more money you'd be spending your time playing with more advanced toys or something.  it's not like we're really poor.  we have two cars and a house with dogs on a fenced-in lot in a sweet little subdivision for crying out loud.  although just about every day there is something you ask for that you have been wanting.  my heart's desire is to run out that second and get it for you.  trust me.  but, then again, i'm glad we can't.  maybe, just maybe, the crayons wouldn't talk and the buttons wouldn't get sorted and i wouldn't have so much help with the dishes and i wouldn't be smiling at your wondrous mind going to town.  once again, are you renting that out?  i'll pay.

Day 118...sick baby

sick babies.  the only good claim i can make about it is the snuggles.  lots and lots of snuggles.

mommy!  hold me!

i haven't held Titus this much since he was a couple of months old.

he's been wanting snuggles all day, and i have to say, nana is right.  it is the best part of having a sick little boy.

if not for him feeling so rotten, it would have been a very splendid day.  get better my precious baby.

Dear Sadie.