One year has gone by.
One year of writing my sweet daughter.
One year of reflecting on this unique, challenging, beautiful, and all-too short season of life as a young mom. (I think I'm still considered young?!)
365 days ago seemed like not that far, but looking at you and how much you've changed, it blows me away all that can happen in a year. And to think tomorrow starts a new year of it. A brand new year of 4 1/2 year-old girl passions: kittens and ballet. :)
A year ago I said I wanted to write you every day. Did I do it? Nope. I missed a lot. I disappointed myself. But somewhere along the way I realized it mattered not that I stick to a list of rules to follow in order to complete a task. It became more about the heart of the project. As I reflect on lessons learned through writing letters for this past year, that has to be one of the top on my list: whatever I do, let it flow from my heart. If I just wasn't feeling it one day, I didn't write. It took my awhile to get there. I felt it better to sort of force something. And in some practices, that is the best way for sure. Self-discipline should not be overlooked. But in this case I had to learn not to beat myself up for not living out guidelines. It was in my heart to write every day, but I just couldn't do it in the end. Just like it's in my heart to read my Bible every day, be nice to everyone I encounter, and so on. But I have to live with the fact that I'm not perfect. Wow, what a revelation! But honestly, it is one when you accept your limitations and start living in the freedom of His joy and presence. It's absolutely a real thing, and once you experience Him for yourself, you'll know what I am talking about. But back to the letters...
I hope you've learned something along the way. I know I have learned a lot about God, myself, life, etc. all just through the writing process. I probably learned way more than I would have had I not written. That leads me to ask the question, should I continue?
I told your daddy I would probably end it here. It's bittersweet, yes. But honestly, I'm looking forward to going even deeper this year. I'll be journaling in my journal, so I can always let you read them later on. But sometimes I am too guarded when writing Letters to Sadie, because, well, you are my daughter. And there are some things I have to learn on my own. Some things are better kept between me and God. But I will miss these sweet times we have shared.
I hope we will come back to these letters, you and I, and laugh at the silly mistakes I made, or the funny stories of young Sadie. I like you at four. I love you at every stage. But I also like the thought of watching you grow up and mature into the woman God designed you to be.
I'll leave you with this verse that keeps popping up as a "life verse" for me right now.
It comes from Micah..."And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (6:8)
I pray that justice moves you to act on behalf of those who can't, that you become addicted to showing love and kindness to those who don't even deserve it, and that you become so satisfied with knowing your Father and being in such intimate fellowship with Him that you are ruined for all other gods.
I love you, my sweetheart. My special girl. My sister chick.
I miss you while we're apart (may it never be)
but you're always in my heart.
Dear Sadie.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Day 240...My Daddy's Eyes
I was just thinking today how incredible it would be to always be looking through my God's eyes...having His lenses on all of the time. This way, whatever I am looking at, I will seeing what He sees.
I would see the beauty of Creation and be in awe.
I would see circumstances as opportunities for breakthrough encounters with heaven.
I would see people as lost, and found, and know how to mix wisdom and compassion with each.
I would not be shaken or moved by the impossible or the nauseating, because what I would see would divide foolishness from wisdom, temporary from eternal, beautiful from ugly.
Last night going up the stairs, you had just said good-night to Daddy, and you said to me so sweetly as we were climbing our way to beds...
"I have Daddy's eyes."
"Oh, yeah? What made you think of that."
And you said, "I'm just sayin' it."
Like a child does, you say things outwardly that you are feeling on the inside.
At that moment, you felt so much pride to share eyes with your Daddy.
You looked into his eyes while saying good-night, and you saw love. You probably saw his beautiful eyes, too, and remembered what someone said about you one time, that you do indeed have Daddy's eyes. His big, beautiful eyes.
In the same way, let us be enamored and proud of our Daddy's eyes. And let us, as we gaze upon His beauty, see life through His lenses.
One day we will see fully, Corinthians tells us. For now, we only see but a dim vision of how things will be one day. Still I pray that we spend enough time gazing on Him, and looking to His Word, that we can't help but look at things with wisdom, strength, and understanding. Even more, that others could look into our eyes and see the Father. What beauty that would be!
Every day. To see the world as You see it, Father.
Dear Sadie.
I would see the beauty of Creation and be in awe.
I would see circumstances as opportunities for breakthrough encounters with heaven.
I would see people as lost, and found, and know how to mix wisdom and compassion with each.
I would not be shaken or moved by the impossible or the nauseating, because what I would see would divide foolishness from wisdom, temporary from eternal, beautiful from ugly.
Last night going up the stairs, you had just said good-night to Daddy, and you said to me so sweetly as we were climbing our way to beds...
"I have Daddy's eyes."
"Oh, yeah? What made you think of that."
And you said, "I'm just sayin' it."
Like a child does, you say things outwardly that you are feeling on the inside.
At that moment, you felt so much pride to share eyes with your Daddy.
You looked into his eyes while saying good-night, and you saw love. You probably saw his beautiful eyes, too, and remembered what someone said about you one time, that you do indeed have Daddy's eyes. His big, beautiful eyes.
In the same way, let us be enamored and proud of our Daddy's eyes. And let us, as we gaze upon His beauty, see life through His lenses.
One day we will see fully, Corinthians tells us. For now, we only see but a dim vision of how things will be one day. Still I pray that we spend enough time gazing on Him, and looking to His Word, that we can't help but look at things with wisdom, strength, and understanding. Even more, that others could look into our eyes and see the Father. What beauty that would be!
Every day. To see the world as You see it, Father.
Dear Sadie.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Day 239...birdies
Well it's been a long while once again, but not because of you my dear. It is all me for sure. I have felt dried up inside. This happens to me a lot during the holiday season. Every year I try harder to keep my Focus, and yet it never fails. I'm busy, distracted, having too much fun, having not enough fun, and the list goes on. There's always this tension I feel around Christmas. I really go into the season thinking I can be better this year about where my hope will lie, how to maintain my peace, where I will cut back and simplify, and how we will spend our time. But like a monster it sneaks up on you and next thing you know the whole thing is over and the monster ran away with all the treasured moments you were supposed to feel, and all those glowing memories you were supposed to make, vanished into this air. And you're taking down the tree thinking, when did I even sit and soak in the beauty of our hopelessly leaning tree these past two weeks? It's hard not to be sad. Or glad, that it is over and you can go back to normal. The tension is in the trying to fit our traditions and make them fit nicely into Jesus, and the truth is, they don't, usually. We need to be honest and just say it. Some things we do have nothing to do with Him. I think He understands. And there is grace and freedom. We don't have to be "spiritual" in everything we do. The beauty is in the honesty. In the moments when I tell Jesus I have neglected Him for the lesser things, and He says back to me, "I know," with forgiveness and wonder in His eyes that beckon for me to come and sit at His feet once again. And He starts to tell me stories of what He has been up to. What He has already done. He shows me the birds chasing each other outside my window, looking for morsels, building big beautiful nests, singing songs. He whispers to me, "I made those just for fun." And I kind of think how silly I am to take myself so seriously as I do so often. Could I just be a bird one day, and have the trust that they do? Couldn't I just labor and rest, aware that My Maker, in all of his glory, has done and is doing such amazing, awesome things, and that all I need to do is accept His invitations?
To be a bird. Only, I am His special creation, designed to do what only humans can do. I just have to have more if Him daily and to set my eyes on things above. I need only more of Him, and less of me.
Well thank you. Thank you for letting me pour out my heart. I hope I have learned something!
To be a bird. Only, I am His special creation, designed to do what only humans can do. I just have to have more if Him daily and to set my eyes on things above. I need only more of Him, and less of me.
Well thank you. Thank you for letting me pour out my heart. I hope I have learned something!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Day 238...better than okay
When things start to look like they are going to crumble, and I feel the tears are going to rise, something inside me says, It's going to be okay. It's the Holy Spirit, and I'm so grateful for Him who dwells in me and abides with me.
Even so, He's given me you. When I stop and look into your eyes, and hold those sweet cheeks, you smile back at me with your eyes that say, "It's better than okay. We are going to be great."
Dear Sadie.
Even so, He's given me you. When I stop and look into your eyes, and hold those sweet cheeks, you smile back at me with your eyes that say, "It's better than okay. We are going to be great."
Dear Sadie.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Day 237...poem
It's getting late, time for bed once again.
I must lay my head down and just put down my pen.
(okay, laptop)
But before I go I just have to say,
You are so very special in every possible way.
Dear Sadie
I must lay my head down and just put down my pen.
(okay, laptop)
But before I go I just have to say,
You are so very special in every possible way.
Dear Sadie
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Day 236...Christmas Blues and Sparkles
Oh the tension we live in here on earth! I can't wait to be in heaven where it all makes sense and there's no strife but instead we will see clearly, not dimly as in a mirror...
Your daddy and I went shopping for you guys today. We went to one store. One Store.
The fabulous Target everyone has come to love.
I mean, who doesn't love Target!?
Well. We had fun. Or at least it started out that way. We ran from one shiny sparkly here, to another tough toy truck there... Oh, Sadie would love this!! Titus would get a kick out of that! Then we started to go back and forth on what to get you guys. The fun outing turned into stressful decision-making and over-deliberation. Over budget. Not practical. Not enough independent play with that one. Too much to set up every time. She has more than him. This one would be fun to open but how much would he really play with it, I mean really? Mommy likes this; Daddy likes this. I think next year we will buy separately. I think it will go much more smoother. I mean, you guys are two and four, how hard should this be?!
Well. We finally decided on a few things for each of you and left pretty satisfied at our final choices. We even learned a few things about each other in the process and appreciated one another, quirks and all, a little more. (daddy and me)
So I came home and got in the bath, my third one in about a week's time, which is a first for me. You can tell by baths what kind of week it's been, but hey, it may become a more permanent thing for me in the end! It was so relaxing, especially after such deliberation! (the word of the night)...
So I came home and got in the bath, my third one in about a week's time, which is a first for me. You can tell by baths what kind of week it's been, but hey, it may become a more permanent thing for me in the end! It was so relaxing, especially after such deliberation! (the word of the night)...
I start reading my new favorite book "Seven," about an "experimental mutiny against excess," and I'm on the chapter "possessions." Oh boy. Yeah. This is where the tension enters the story. I mean, how hard to come home with bags of stuff for your kids, and then to read about how the rich are praying to get richer in America? Come on! Can't a girl enjoy her Christmas being a fairly new mommy with actual cash in her wallet? What's so bad about that?!
I mean, we stuck to our budget and didn't go overboard by any means. To tell the truth, we probably spent way less than the average American spends on Christmas. No, extremely less. But...does this make it right? It sure doesn't make the pit in my stomach go away. Not when I think about the thousands of people who died today of starvation, and I'm obsessing about whether to get my daughter a fuzzy white pony in a purse, or the stuffed cat from Aristocats with the cute pink bow. I'm so confused now. I want to think I have all the answers. But as soon as I think I do, I realize I'm so far off. I'm going to keep reading this book, and I'm going to keep letting the Lord use it to get to me. And I'm really not complaining, even though I sound like it. I'm just sounding off, because truthfully I do get it. I get it all. We're not one of these families who have multiple credit cards, fancy vacations, or even closets full of unused clothes. We live on hand-me-downs, and we actually eat almost everything we buy on a weekly basis. But all that said, I do have a hunger and thirst to be messed with...to be the last, to be well-acquainted with the least, to bind of the brokenhearted, and so on. I am so tired of consumerism and "keeping up," and worrying about having less than everyone else and not giving my kids all that they deserve. I mean, reallly, what are you all lacking if you know you are loved and reminded of the good news on a daily basis?
I mean, we stuck to our budget and didn't go overboard by any means. To tell the truth, we probably spent way less than the average American spends on Christmas. No, extremely less. But...does this make it right? It sure doesn't make the pit in my stomach go away. Not when I think about the thousands of people who died today of starvation, and I'm obsessing about whether to get my daughter a fuzzy white pony in a purse, or the stuffed cat from Aristocats with the cute pink bow. I'm so confused now. I want to think I have all the answers. But as soon as I think I do, I realize I'm so far off. I'm going to keep reading this book, and I'm going to keep letting the Lord use it to get to me. And I'm really not complaining, even though I sound like it. I'm just sounding off, because truthfully I do get it. I get it all. We're not one of these families who have multiple credit cards, fancy vacations, or even closets full of unused clothes. We live on hand-me-downs, and we actually eat almost everything we buy on a weekly basis. But all that said, I do have a hunger and thirst to be messed with...to be the last, to be well-acquainted with the least, to bind of the brokenhearted, and so on. I am so tired of consumerism and "keeping up," and worrying about having less than everyone else and not giving my kids all that they deserve. I mean, reallly, what are you all lacking if you know you are loved and reminded of the good news on a daily basis?
My main concern though...are we raising you guys to be self-centered? over-indulgent consumers? distracted? Yikes. The burning and yearning in my heart to take you from here and touch and feel and smell and grab hold the poverty that the majority of the world is experiencing right now is, well, it's almost getting unbearable to contain. I feel like there's a ribbon tied up against my chest and I'm leaning into it, ready to run from here. And when someone shoots the gun I'm going to bust through that ribbon and take off. But not from here location-wise necessarily, although it may be. Here, status-quo-wise. There are some Scriptures I've come to know and love that just don't match up with my lifestyle, and I'm thinking of letting them ruin me. Ruin our family. I want to be a radical Jesus freak. Forgive me, Lord, for ever hesitating. I'll have to use a letter to tell you what those Scriptures are, and you'll see what I mean.
For now, this Christmas, my special girl...your mommy and daddy love you. We love to shower you with good things, as does your Heavenly Father. I'm going to hold myself back from returning everything tomorrow before it's too late and I've wrapped all the gifts. (Here it is 6 days before Christmas and I'm contemplating a present-less Christmas for my preschool children--what is going on with me?!) Just know this, that in our hearts lies the sincere desire to never spoil you. We do want you to be happy, but all the while, we hope to be living examples of contentment and gratitude for the happiness that lives and breathes in our hearts: Jesus.
Dear Sadie.
"every good and perfect gift comes from above..." James 1:17
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Day 235...get me my water
Today it occurred to me just how closely you observe me and I don't think you nor I actually stop to take notice much. You were in bed and you very nicely said, "Get me my water." I have probably heard similar demands made of me dozens of times, but tonight as I corrected you, I sort of had an epiphany as to why the clarification I was making with you was such a hard concept to grasp. When I said "excuse me?" (Sort of nicely) you replied "I was being sweet." The funny thing being here-- you were! It was said like a true, polite little southern girl! I almost laughed. Then it dawned on me how many times a day you hear me making demands of you in the same nice manner, expecting the appropriate responses...I think I try to always tag on a please somewhere in there...bring your plate to the kitchen, please...Sadie, please pick up all the books...(Ok, yes, I must admit my tone doesn't always remain in the "sweet" category, but nobody's that perfect!). So now i get it...you are merely imitating your mommy! You seemed to genuinely understand the differentiation I made about mommies and children and their roles, requests and demands, etc. I walked away going huh. And then wow. I wish I had more pivotal moments like these! But in all truth, how responsive will you now be to our little teachable moment? We will just have to see, won't we? :)
Dear Sadie (ever-so-sweetly)
Dear Sadie (ever-so-sweetly)
Day 234...big baby
Sickness has gone through our house like the plague. But in the spirit of remaining thankful, it has only touched the babies. (I still like referring to my 2 and older kids as babies). Your daddy and I have not had the flu, trusting we won't, either. Remaining hopeful. It's been a miracle so far; needless to say with all of the nose wiping I have assisted with, all the coughs sprayed upon me, among everything else, I am a walking miracle. Thank you, Lord! Thank You I have been well enough to cuddle their foggy heads, cradle their fevering bodies, and nourish their weak temples. The sick season we are enduring has challenged me and stretched me in ways I wasn't even aware I needed.
There was this breaking point I reached the other day. It was a pity party, really. But I ended up dealing with my selfishness when I was all done pouting and escaping. Truthfully the pout and escape did help me settle and come to the realization I was being selfish, thrusting me back into the dirty work with pure motherly joy once again, only by His grace. But hopefully next time I can come to my senses through the Spirit and without running anybody over or acting like such a baby.
Dear Sadie
There was this breaking point I reached the other day. It was a pity party, really. But I ended up dealing with my selfishness when I was all done pouting and escaping. Truthfully the pout and escape did help me settle and come to the realization I was being selfish, thrusting me back into the dirty work with pure motherly joy once again, only by His grace. But hopefully next time I can come to my senses through the Spirit and without running anybody over or acting like such a baby.
Dear Sadie
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Day 233...cling tight
Yesterday I was a pill. Today it was like I took a pill and everything turned around.
I don't really know what the answer was...maybe it was the personal bath and book time last night, maybe it was the rebuking of myself while in the bath with the book and saying Forgive me, Lord, for letting the weakness do me in.
Whatever it was, today was different.
Yesterday it was "what?! another case of the flu?! no!!!!", and the taking care of others constantly, and the constant reminder of never getting a moment to myself, and the Jason, Honey, I need you...can you come home now, please?!
Then there was today. A new day.
Today was sunshine on a rainy, gloomy day.
Maybe it was worshiping my Jesus with my church family. Glorious Presence!
Or maybe it was the melancholy of my babies while helping good friends register for their new little treasure to come.
Or maybe it was the drive with the soundtrack of "Awake My Soul" between places.
Whatever it was, it was grace.
You'll have days of both kinds, Sadie. Just go with it, and cling to the Lord tight. He will lift you above the clouds every time if you seek Him. His grace will blow your mind.
Dear Sadie.
I don't really know what the answer was...maybe it was the personal bath and book time last night, maybe it was the rebuking of myself while in the bath with the book and saying Forgive me, Lord, for letting the weakness do me in.
Whatever it was, today was different.
Yesterday it was "what?! another case of the flu?! no!!!!", and the taking care of others constantly, and the constant reminder of never getting a moment to myself, and the Jason, Honey, I need you...can you come home now, please?!
Then there was today. A new day.
Today was sunshine on a rainy, gloomy day.
Maybe it was worshiping my Jesus with my church family. Glorious Presence!
Or maybe it was the melancholy of my babies while helping good friends register for their new little treasure to come.
Or maybe it was the drive with the soundtrack of "Awake My Soul" between places.
Whatever it was, it was grace.
You'll have days of both kinds, Sadie. Just go with it, and cling to the Lord tight. He will lift you above the clouds every time if you seek Him. His grace will blow your mind.
Dear Sadie.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Day 232...best day ever!! books and friends
Soaked in a bath tonight to end another typically undpredictable day. Grabbed my new and tasty book I've been dying to devour ever since I grazed on it at Barnes and Noble back a month ago. I don't waste a beat, for God knows this night "ending" at 8:30 pm with kids asleep in their beds is only a mirage in the desert, or maybe just a tease. Titus, sick with the flu, passed out at 7:30 only after two throwing-up-episodes, bless his soul. Shortly after his sick spell, you downed a bite of mac and cheese that was doused with more salt than needed for 1 box of macaroni let alone one bite! (you pride yourself in doing these things by yourself, bless your heart). We watched your big eyes pleading for help as your mouthful seemed to want to explode; you panicked then puked. Three vomits in one evening. Yeah. So much for the quiet unwinding by the fire. Although, it was a bit of a calming backdrop for these reckless events.
Earlier before dinner and daddy's return, you were sitting by me, Titus and the fire. Me with my nightly coffee cup in hand, attempting to warm myself after the first cold day we've had thus far in our 70-degree month of December. Titus having woke from a late night, sleepily joining the day again, playfully fooling us all that his flu was tapering off for good. I think it was in those cuddles in that moment that you declared, "Best day ever!!!" (as you have stamped on many-a-moments) I laughed, smiling, "Yes, you always say that." "Yes, but it really is!" you defended. I love it. You feel every minute, as every healthy child does. Yet you know how to express it in a way that makes adults shake their head with bewildering joy. I'm proud.
Besides the throwing up and the cranky flu baby, the day wasn't half bad! Especially when topping it off with a book that inspired me to write this letter. Yes, I sighed heavily at the thought of having to write again when it looked as though I might actually have the time. Nothing that a good writer, bath, candles, and Dr. Pepper in a wine glass couldn't cure (we didn't have any other red stuff).
She (Jen Hatmaker) had me laughing out loud with the first chapter of "7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess." She is a gal I wish I knew personally. I'm already thankful for her witty humor and rawness that leaps off the page: her bleeding heart. I am so inspired that I, too, am compelled to think I could also write a book someday. I laugh inside and embarrassingly hope no one will read this and laugh too.
A good friend of mine wrote to me today: "Sometimes I think people or books just kind of click in our spirit even before we read them or hang with them!" I totally agree! I was barely through with the introduction of this book and already promoting it on Facebook. What's the matter with me?! I guess it was the way the writing/subject/author made me feel like my soul had been wrapped like a pretzel through hers. Books and friends should be like kindred spirits. (Now affectionately remembering Anne with an e.)
I like to think God is placing books (and friends) in my path that will further me on in my writing, my passion, and my personal and spiritual life. This one is, and I'm not even through the first chapter.
I, too, like Rapunzel can now shout, "Best day ever!"...knowing I most likely will want to shout it at some point tomorrow...
isn't that how it should be?
I end my day thankful in soul and spirit.
Thankful for Pandora and headphones.
For my computer to write on.
For baths and candles and a husband.
A king-size bed beside me I get to snuggle into with him later.
For Jen Hatmaker.
Thankful for books.
For inspiration.
For hope.
For dreams.
For my Father who points the way and lifts my spirit.
Thankful for a lifestyle where holding my sick baby is absolutely possible without having to "call in sick to work," where I can drop everything and play "make-believe-we-are-kittens" with my daughter, where I have time to drive another Hot Wheel up and down my leg with my son (even if it takes me forcing myself to do it), and enjoy a leisurely stroll around the library fountain listening to my kids squeal with delight and freedom. For more than enough provision that I can give away a car-load of stuff to a thrift store without feeling even the slightest bit of need.
For a daughter who is puppy-dog giddy at the sight of popsicles and chocolate and books and lying in grass beneath trees, like me. Who soaks up the simple things of life with all of her senses. Those simple things that are God's little graces that, if we are paying attention, are the winds that carry us through the yuckiness that comes to kill, steal and destroy. That far outweighs any discomfort or even pain.
Thankful for another letter to my Sadie.
Dear Sadie.
Earlier before dinner and daddy's return, you were sitting by me, Titus and the fire. Me with my nightly coffee cup in hand, attempting to warm myself after the first cold day we've had thus far in our 70-degree month of December. Titus having woke from a late night, sleepily joining the day again, playfully fooling us all that his flu was tapering off for good. I think it was in those cuddles in that moment that you declared, "Best day ever!!!" (as you have stamped on many-a-moments) I laughed, smiling, "Yes, you always say that." "Yes, but it really is!" you defended. I love it. You feel every minute, as every healthy child does. Yet you know how to express it in a way that makes adults shake their head with bewildering joy. I'm proud.
Besides the throwing up and the cranky flu baby, the day wasn't half bad! Especially when topping it off with a book that inspired me to write this letter. Yes, I sighed heavily at the thought of having to write again when it looked as though I might actually have the time. Nothing that a good writer, bath, candles, and Dr. Pepper in a wine glass couldn't cure (we didn't have any other red stuff).
She (Jen Hatmaker) had me laughing out loud with the first chapter of "7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess." She is a gal I wish I knew personally. I'm already thankful for her witty humor and rawness that leaps off the page: her bleeding heart. I am so inspired that I, too, am compelled to think I could also write a book someday. I laugh inside and embarrassingly hope no one will read this and laugh too.
A good friend of mine wrote to me today: "Sometimes I think people or books just kind of click in our spirit even before we read them or hang with them!" I totally agree! I was barely through with the introduction of this book and already promoting it on Facebook. What's the matter with me?! I guess it was the way the writing/subject/author made me feel like my soul had been wrapped like a pretzel through hers. Books and friends should be like kindred spirits. (Now affectionately remembering Anne with an e.)
I like to think God is placing books (and friends) in my path that will further me on in my writing, my passion, and my personal and spiritual life. This one is, and I'm not even through the first chapter.
I, too, like Rapunzel can now shout, "Best day ever!"...knowing I most likely will want to shout it at some point tomorrow...
isn't that how it should be?
I end my day thankful in soul and spirit.
Thankful for Pandora and headphones.
For my computer to write on.
For baths and candles and a husband.
A king-size bed beside me I get to snuggle into with him later.
For Jen Hatmaker.
Thankful for books.
For inspiration.
For hope.
For dreams.
For my Father who points the way and lifts my spirit.
Thankful for a lifestyle where holding my sick baby is absolutely possible without having to "call in sick to work," where I can drop everything and play "make-believe-we-are-kittens" with my daughter, where I have time to drive another Hot Wheel up and down my leg with my son (even if it takes me forcing myself to do it), and enjoy a leisurely stroll around the library fountain listening to my kids squeal with delight and freedom. For more than enough provision that I can give away a car-load of stuff to a thrift store without feeling even the slightest bit of need.
For a daughter who is puppy-dog giddy at the sight of popsicles and chocolate and books and lying in grass beneath trees, like me. Who soaks up the simple things of life with all of her senses. Those simple things that are God's little graces that, if we are paying attention, are the winds that carry us through the yuckiness that comes to kill, steal and destroy. That far outweighs any discomfort or even pain.
Thankful for another letter to my Sadie.
Dear Sadie.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Day 231...cuddle bug
Cuddling in the bed on a late Saturday morning. Squished between me and daddy. Hard to find where one person starts and another ends. Such a good place.
"This is soooo much fun," you said.
I'm just enjoying these moments right now when you think daddy and I are the coolest, and you actually want to be close and together with us always.
Does it have to end?
Will you have to go through those teenage years?
Is there a button we can push to bypass and remain best buds?!
I know they (as in all parents) wish this were so. We want things to stay the way they are. Close, snugly, innocent and light-hearted.
For now all I can do is enjoy the present, hold you tight, and pray for grace always no matter what phase we must walk through together.
Dear Sadie
"This is soooo much fun," you said.
I'm just enjoying these moments right now when you think daddy and I are the coolest, and you actually want to be close and together with us always.
Does it have to end?
Will you have to go through those teenage years?
Is there a button we can push to bypass and remain best buds?!
I know they (as in all parents) wish this were so. We want things to stay the way they are. Close, snugly, innocent and light-hearted.
For now all I can do is enjoy the present, hold you tight, and pray for grace always no matter what phase we must walk through together.
Dear Sadie
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Day 230...Raw
I have one more to write today.
One word.
Raw.
The idea of rawness was highlighted to me tonight. In the context of worship.
Raw means uncooked. It's not cooked up. Not prepped, prepared, maybe not even seasoned.
In its original form. Spontaneous.
This is what the world is desiring to see. Formalities and traditions are so prepared, prepped, cooked and packaged neatly, they have no real impact anymore. People are hungry for more.
I am hungry for more. Right now I'm just a mom, but a mom to YOU! So I have to say, even as a mom, we can cook ourselves into a frenzy. By this I mean, we worry and fret that all our "to dos" are done, and in the process, we leave behind the original, beautiful forms that are often pretty messy but hold the real juiciness of life. Children, our children, are hungry for moms who will leave all of their preparedness long enough to look into their souls and be present long enough to ask them, "What do you want to do today?" "How are you feeling today?" "What do you want to talk about?" We have to be careful our carefully planned days, and neatly manicured lifestyles, and perfectly arranged wardrobes are not at the expense of the raw reality: that life sometimes has to get unorganized, out of order, and spontaneous in order for God to step in with what He is speaking and doing in the moment. What He wants to say to us. What He wants to do through us. This is raw. This is real.
Lord, help me to be awake to the stuff that matters for eternity. Help me stop and rest long enough to hear You speaking to me about my day, about my kids, about what fills our calendar, and all the rest.
Let me become the original form of Christy: the mom, the wife, you intended me to be. And when I get off track or become caught up with the recipes that are not on your menu, let me again turn to You for the good stuff. God in the raw. God in the everyday grind of life. Let Your ways infuse my days, Lord.
Forgive me, Sadie, for when I fall. I am learning just like you.
Dear Sadie.
One word.
Raw.
The idea of rawness was highlighted to me tonight. In the context of worship.
Raw means uncooked. It's not cooked up. Not prepped, prepared, maybe not even seasoned.
In its original form. Spontaneous.
This is what the world is desiring to see. Formalities and traditions are so prepared, prepped, cooked and packaged neatly, they have no real impact anymore. People are hungry for more.
I am hungry for more. Right now I'm just a mom, but a mom to YOU! So I have to say, even as a mom, we can cook ourselves into a frenzy. By this I mean, we worry and fret that all our "to dos" are done, and in the process, we leave behind the original, beautiful forms that are often pretty messy but hold the real juiciness of life. Children, our children, are hungry for moms who will leave all of their preparedness long enough to look into their souls and be present long enough to ask them, "What do you want to do today?" "How are you feeling today?" "What do you want to talk about?" We have to be careful our carefully planned days, and neatly manicured lifestyles, and perfectly arranged wardrobes are not at the expense of the raw reality: that life sometimes has to get unorganized, out of order, and spontaneous in order for God to step in with what He is speaking and doing in the moment. What He wants to say to us. What He wants to do through us. This is raw. This is real.
Lord, help me to be awake to the stuff that matters for eternity. Help me stop and rest long enough to hear You speaking to me about my day, about my kids, about what fills our calendar, and all the rest.
Let me become the original form of Christy: the mom, the wife, you intended me to be. And when I get off track or become caught up with the recipes that are not on your menu, let me again turn to You for the good stuff. God in the raw. God in the everyday grind of life. Let Your ways infuse my days, Lord.
Forgive me, Sadie, for when I fall. I am learning just like you.
Dear Sadie.
Day 229...moments of courage and beautiful surrender
Hey there. It's the end of the day and I really should be getting to bed. But it was a hard day. Had some of those lately. Hard but good. I lost control of my emotions on several accounts. Not pretty. Could have been worse. But still. And I'm seeing now how God is using these moments to shape me into the woman He wants me to be. It's in those moments where my patience is running thing (and pms taking over) that I see how human I am being, and how much more God longs to purge out my humanness as I press into His superhumanness. That's where it's at. That's where life is. That's where the miracles happen. I stopped and gave thanks in the middle of a tiresome day, kids crying, kids not napping, kids not being their normally wonderful selves for their tired mommy. And I thanked Him. I thanked Him for all the goodness that surrounded me. And it gave me breath and life for more moments to come, tough or simple. Significant or not. He always gives me grace in my need. I love Him so much!
Dear Sadie.
"my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 cor. 12:9
Dear Sadie.
"my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 cor. 12:9
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Day 228...eucharisteo
Eucharisteo. "He gave thanks..." Looking at what you are given and choosing to see it as grace and give thanks. "Choosing to fill with all that He freely gives and full live--with glory and grace and God" A.V.
Tonight we danced and sang and read books and tumbled by the fire. Ice cream and cookies. Firelight and Christmas tunes. But it was in the laughing faces that made me think..."thanks."
Little moments are treasures for my soul.
Dear Sadie.
"Best night ever!," Sadie.
Tonight we danced and sang and read books and tumbled by the fire. Ice cream and cookies. Firelight and Christmas tunes. But it was in the laughing faces that made me think..."thanks."
Little moments are treasures for my soul.
Dear Sadie.
"Best night ever!," Sadie.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Day 227...number our days
Kids are napping, all is right with the world. Ha ha.
I have a moment, and I'm choosing to not do laundry, mop, read, or play on my iphone. I choose to write. Yea for me!
I have a feeling I should not have started out this letter project calling it a 365 day thing, expecting that I'd actually complete 365 letters to you! What was I thinking?! If anything, this should tell you I am quite an optimist. It should also tell you that I am pretty tenacious to make it this far! AND, that I really like writing.
So many days have gone by that I simply have not been able to write. When I look at the "number" of day I am on, I get discouraged because I know I should be much farther along and I think, Why did I think I could do this? In hindsight, I wish I would have just said I'd write for a year's time, not write every day! And then just write to you whenever I found the time. 1) I wouldn't feel like such a failure! But 2) I probably wouldn't have gotten this far? Maybe? Who knows. Maybe I should just accept my limits, and let this be a learning experience for me. After all, life is one huge learning experiment, is it not? Rather than set the bar high, set the learning curve high, right?! That way we won't give ourselves such a hard time!
So I'm sitting here, tackling one more letter, loathing and loving at the same time (although the love is definitely winning out as usual!), and I think to myself, I could just take the numbered days out, that way when the big "1 year" deadline comes around, however many letters I have written will be enough! But then, that wouldn't reflect truthfully this whole journey now, would it? I want to be honest, even if it means sucking up my pride. If I can't do it, oh well! At least I tried! And at most, I've learned a lot! (and maybe you did too!?)
All these thoughts of days and numbers reminds me of something, "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom" from Psalm 90:12.
I have always wondered what exactly this means, and why I should learn to number my days. I guess I really shouldn't take those numbers off then, huh? Maybe they can serve an even deeper purpose?
I don't know if my thinking is right, but I wonder if maybe God was reminding us to keep in mind that life is severely short. And to make every day count. And that when we do finally learn to number our days, we will find wisdom growing and ruling in our hearts as we live out each day. I think that's safe to say!
So there. I will keep the numbers, if for no other reason than to remind us to make.it.count.
Today I have been alive exactly 12,358 days. It is so strange to think of this fact. To think of my life in terms of days. (How many more do I have left? I hope for lots!!! I want to live to watch you grow up and become a woman! And Titus, a man! And grow old with Daddy! And hit the mission field once again! And write a book! And learn how to sew! (hey, anything is possible!) I'm glad only God knows what my number is! He won't tell me, but I know He wants me to live a life not wasteful or lackadaisical. Perhaps if I did know my number, I might live out with extremity the things I am most passionate about...to make it all happen...to seek to know Him all the more, to follow my heart, and to make every present moment and every person matter! I can't let knowing or not knowing determine my life. But perhaps if I thought of my life in terms of days not years, I won't waste so many precious moments! Ah...the light bulb is coming on now!
This could be what the psalmist was getting it.
Live as though I knew my number. Live in terms of days. Each is not for nothing.
I may not know the total sum of them, but I can be certain of their worth.
Life goes quickly. Let's make it count.
Dear Sadie.
"Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12
(Want to find out how may days you've been alive? Go to www.timeanddate.com/date/duration.html
I have a moment, and I'm choosing to not do laundry, mop, read, or play on my iphone. I choose to write. Yea for me!
I have a feeling I should not have started out this letter project calling it a 365 day thing, expecting that I'd actually complete 365 letters to you! What was I thinking?! If anything, this should tell you I am quite an optimist. It should also tell you that I am pretty tenacious to make it this far! AND, that I really like writing.
So many days have gone by that I simply have not been able to write. When I look at the "number" of day I am on, I get discouraged because I know I should be much farther along and I think, Why did I think I could do this? In hindsight, I wish I would have just said I'd write for a year's time, not write every day! And then just write to you whenever I found the time. 1) I wouldn't feel like such a failure! But 2) I probably wouldn't have gotten this far? Maybe? Who knows. Maybe I should just accept my limits, and let this be a learning experience for me. After all, life is one huge learning experiment, is it not? Rather than set the bar high, set the learning curve high, right?! That way we won't give ourselves such a hard time!
So I'm sitting here, tackling one more letter, loathing and loving at the same time (although the love is definitely winning out as usual!), and I think to myself, I could just take the numbered days out, that way when the big "1 year" deadline comes around, however many letters I have written will be enough! But then, that wouldn't reflect truthfully this whole journey now, would it? I want to be honest, even if it means sucking up my pride. If I can't do it, oh well! At least I tried! And at most, I've learned a lot! (and maybe you did too!?)
All these thoughts of days and numbers reminds me of something, "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom" from Psalm 90:12.
I have always wondered what exactly this means, and why I should learn to number my days. I guess I really shouldn't take those numbers off then, huh? Maybe they can serve an even deeper purpose?
I don't know if my thinking is right, but I wonder if maybe God was reminding us to keep in mind that life is severely short. And to make every day count. And that when we do finally learn to number our days, we will find wisdom growing and ruling in our hearts as we live out each day. I think that's safe to say!
So there. I will keep the numbers, if for no other reason than to remind us to make.it.count.
Today I have been alive exactly 12,358 days. It is so strange to think of this fact. To think of my life in terms of days. (How many more do I have left? I hope for lots!!! I want to live to watch you grow up and become a woman! And Titus, a man! And grow old with Daddy! And hit the mission field once again! And write a book! And learn how to sew! (hey, anything is possible!) I'm glad only God knows what my number is! He won't tell me, but I know He wants me to live a life not wasteful or lackadaisical. Perhaps if I did know my number, I might live out with extremity the things I am most passionate about...to make it all happen...to seek to know Him all the more, to follow my heart, and to make every present moment and every person matter! I can't let knowing or not knowing determine my life. But perhaps if I thought of my life in terms of days not years, I won't waste so many precious moments! Ah...the light bulb is coming on now!
This could be what the psalmist was getting it.
Live as though I knew my number. Live in terms of days. Each is not for nothing.
I may not know the total sum of them, but I can be certain of their worth.
Life goes quickly. Let's make it count.
Dear Sadie.
"Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12
(Want to find out how may days you've been alive? Go to www.timeanddate.com/date/duration.html
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Day 226...Naptime
Trying to put you guys to bed when I, myself, was tired was an absolute nightmare today. It was nap time and I could barely keep my eyes open. You, on the other hand, were having the opposite problem. Titus was being wild. Now that you are sharing a room, you have a bit of trouble relaxing when he is thrashing about, giggling, and getting in and out of bed. Deciding I'd deal with him in a moment, I went to you and tried to calm you down. "I can't sleep! It's too hard! My eyes won't stay closed!" I laughed inside. Gently I corrected you, for I knew how tired you were, even more than you could realize. "Just relax, Baby," I said. "I know you can do it." Still in the protesting mode, you took a minute, but under my calm but confident instruction, you succumbed to the tiredness, and after just a couple of minutes of caressing your long blonde hair down your back, you were gone.
I was reminded tonight just how easy it is to be like this with God. In my stubbornness I say, "I can't do this, it's too hard!" And all the while its my own will fighting and me becoming distracted by all of the commotion around me. Yet all He is wanting me to do is close my eyes and trust His voice telling me, "You can. Just rest in Me. I am right here with you." And with the comfort of knowing He is with me, and the peace that passes understanding, I "fall asleep." In this sense, by sleep I mean really letting go of needing to control things, and let go of the need to see how everything is going to work itself out. Closing your eyes can be scary, just like trusting is frightening. You don't know what's ahead. You are trusting your Tour Guide. But then when you do, you can take a deep breath and enjoy. Because He really is a good Father and has a perfect plan for you if You'll surrender to Him.
Dear Sadie
I was reminded tonight just how easy it is to be like this with God. In my stubbornness I say, "I can't do this, it's too hard!" And all the while its my own will fighting and me becoming distracted by all of the commotion around me. Yet all He is wanting me to do is close my eyes and trust His voice telling me, "You can. Just rest in Me. I am right here with you." And with the comfort of knowing He is with me, and the peace that passes understanding, I "fall asleep." In this sense, by sleep I mean really letting go of needing to control things, and let go of the need to see how everything is going to work itself out. Closing your eyes can be scary, just like trusting is frightening. You don't know what's ahead. You are trusting your Tour Guide. But then when you do, you can take a deep breath and enjoy. Because He really is a good Father and has a perfect plan for you if You'll surrender to Him.
Dear Sadie
Friday, November 16, 2012
Day 225...I'm right with you
So much of what I write to you is a "note to self." That is to say, I am relearning things about life, God, motherhood, children, over and over again, until the day I die.
One of those things I actually enjoy being reminded of on a frequent basis is the super importance of being present. I know I must have talked to you a bunch of times about it already, but I still have it in me to learn. And so I must say it again. One of the primary gifts of live we can give to others is our very present selves. No distractions, no cluttered mind of pressing needs, no discontentment, just pure love that says, "nothing else matters but you right here right now." And this gift, especially when invested in our children, is priceless. This kind of selfless love never goes wasted. You can never spend quality time paying attention to one of your kids and then say, "man I wish I folded that laundry instead!" If you do, you missed out, and so did your child. Because you can't help but feel the effects of being present in a moment where you've given of yourself. It resonates in your soul and in your spirit and the moment reminds you why you exist. What you are here for. You are here for the now. To love the person God sets before you with all you got. That is why the greatest commandment we can never forget: "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength." Experience is everything. If someone ever tells you that the experience of God is not that important, then they are speaking from a tasteless faith. It is impossible to truly know God and walk away from Him saying experience is unimportant. It is the presence of God that drives and motivates us to walk with Him daily, just as He intended in the very beginning, walking with Adam and Eve in the cool of the day. To be one with Him is intimate knowledge. And so we must, as imitators who bear the very nature of God, be present, real, in-the-moment, substantial, authentic friends who listen, who touch, who see, who feel, who deeply care what another needs. To not be content to turn a dead ear or look the other way. Especially as parents. It's what we are here for. To give you two our love, attention, and devotion to meet you where are. It's so easy to tune people out, especially children. But I have to choose moment by moment, am I going to wish my life away, or stay stuck, or surround myself with distractions so I don't ever do the hard stuff? I have to choose to be present, as hard as it is sometimes, and this simple selfless act will not be gratifying immediately always, but it is where life genuinely happens.
Dear Sadie
One of those things I actually enjoy being reminded of on a frequent basis is the super importance of being present. I know I must have talked to you a bunch of times about it already, but I still have it in me to learn. And so I must say it again. One of the primary gifts of live we can give to others is our very present selves. No distractions, no cluttered mind of pressing needs, no discontentment, just pure love that says, "nothing else matters but you right here right now." And this gift, especially when invested in our children, is priceless. This kind of selfless love never goes wasted. You can never spend quality time paying attention to one of your kids and then say, "man I wish I folded that laundry instead!" If you do, you missed out, and so did your child. Because you can't help but feel the effects of being present in a moment where you've given of yourself. It resonates in your soul and in your spirit and the moment reminds you why you exist. What you are here for. You are here for the now. To love the person God sets before you with all you got. That is why the greatest commandment we can never forget: "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength." Experience is everything. If someone ever tells you that the experience of God is not that important, then they are speaking from a tasteless faith. It is impossible to truly know God and walk away from Him saying experience is unimportant. It is the presence of God that drives and motivates us to walk with Him daily, just as He intended in the very beginning, walking with Adam and Eve in the cool of the day. To be one with Him is intimate knowledge. And so we must, as imitators who bear the very nature of God, be present, real, in-the-moment, substantial, authentic friends who listen, who touch, who see, who feel, who deeply care what another needs. To not be content to turn a dead ear or look the other way. Especially as parents. It's what we are here for. To give you two our love, attention, and devotion to meet you where are. It's so easy to tune people out, especially children. But I have to choose moment by moment, am I going to wish my life away, or stay stuck, or surround myself with distractions so I don't ever do the hard stuff? I have to choose to be present, as hard as it is sometimes, and this simple selfless act will not be gratifying immediately always, but it is where life genuinely happens.
Dear Sadie
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Day 224...back burner
As I sit down and reflect on what to write today, I'm struck by the fact that I do so much reflection throughout the day, yet I sit down at the end of the day blank. It is funny cause most of my day I reflect and pray, but it's survival mode I live in, hour-by hour. I wish I had a more forward-thinking goal than, "just get me through dinnertime."
On the back-burner is orphans and widows in a faraway land. That children's book I've been dreaming about. On today's burner is a pot of mac and cheese with a side of prayer, playing, cleaning, hugs and kisses.
Dear Sadie.
"Lord, You have assigned my my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure." Psalm 16:5
On the back-burner is orphans and widows in a faraway land. That children's book I've been dreaming about. On today's burner is a pot of mac and cheese with a side of prayer, playing, cleaning, hugs and kisses.
Dear Sadie.
"Lord, You have assigned my my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure." Psalm 16:5
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Day 223...expecting
Tonight I had an eye-opener at the "deep end..." A prayer and worship gathering.
Mundane into memories...that is His desire for me.
So much of my every day life feels limited and mundane, but tonight I was reminded by my sweet Daddy that I have more to believe Him for than I even give Him credit for. I limit Him when I keep the focus on me. I keep the possibilities of heaven to earth opportunities when I stop expecting Him. And I haven't been expecting. I have become comfortable in the mundane, and I am done. Today, I declare, I will not be content with less than God absolutely ruining me for all other gods. Especially unbelief.
He is absolutely enough. And He is going to blow my mind.
Dear Sadie.
Mundane into memories...that is His desire for me.
So much of my every day life feels limited and mundane, but tonight I was reminded by my sweet Daddy that I have more to believe Him for than I even give Him credit for. I limit Him when I keep the focus on me. I keep the possibilities of heaven to earth opportunities when I stop expecting Him. And I haven't been expecting. I have become comfortable in the mundane, and I am done. Today, I declare, I will not be content with less than God absolutely ruining me for all other gods. Especially unbelief.
He is absolutely enough. And He is going to blow my mind.
Dear Sadie.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Day 222...stay-at-home mom
There are fewer things that will test your pride and performance-driven life like the unseen life of the stay-at-home mother.
If there's a lack of humility, you'll soon discover it.
If there's a need to be seen or rewarded, you'll know.
There will be challenges of all kinds for this unique time in your life. And if it's something you choose, staying at home, be ready for it to rock your world.
It won't be without troubles, but it also won't be without His blessing and Hand. Thank Him for that!
Dear Sadie
If there's a lack of humility, you'll soon discover it.
If there's a need to be seen or rewarded, you'll know.
There will be challenges of all kinds for this unique time in your life. And if it's something you choose, staying at home, be ready for it to rock your world.
It won't be without troubles, but it also won't be without His blessing and Hand. Thank Him for that!
Dear Sadie
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