Day 181...bookstore, part 2: societal misfit

Has motherhood drunk up all of me already?  I used to think I knew something about something.  Now when I'm out in public on a day like today with the purpose of just "hanging out," in the midst of the hustle and buzz, I start to think to myself, what do I know?

At this very moment I feel so bare with my three persons I've become so fond of, so attached to, away from me, playing together, without me for the afternoon.  I am new, virgin-like in this fast-paced world.

Everyone else seems to know why they're here at the bookstore.  I'm a blubbering fool, ordering my coffee as if I even know what half the words mean on the menu.  I glance at magazines and feel so underdressed, so  unglamorous.  Even the books are mocking me with places I've never been, never even heard of.  They boast about philosophies, culture wars, cupcakes, feminism, websites, and modern political figures.  Authors I will never know, subjects I will never have an opinion about, novels I will never taste.  Hundreds of thousands of them, bright and beautiful sit there and taunt me, What do you read?  What do you know?  No one seems as alienated as me at the moment.  Like a scared little school girl I enter in and tell myself to relax.  I remind myself why I'm here.

I take a deep breath in and let it out.

I'm not the same as I was pre-family.  I never will go back and be that girl.  What did I really know then, anyways?  College forced me to be in the know.  Colleges like to have that sort of effect on their pupils.  You start to get a big head, what with all the books and all.

Now I am knowledgeable about new things.  Beautiful, pure and lovely things.  Personal loves I belong to.  I have evolved into this thing called motherhood I once looked upon with such naivety.  And it's all going to be okay.  I am going to be more than okay.

I sit a little taller, taking another sip of my americano.  I start to see the families with restless toddlers in strollers, single females on computers, parents chatting with their adult children, students, business men.  The scales start to fall as I break a little easier, letting it all sink in.

My advice for you is really my advice for me today.  Let today be what it is.  Let you be you.

Be grateful for yesterday, grateful in today, and grateful for a new tomorrow.

Be who you are today, not wishing for the you of yesterday, nor wishing for a better you tomorrow.  Let God be God, and you be you.

Let Him in.  Let Him hold you.  Love you.  Teach you.

You may have times where you feel like you are standing alone on the shore, looking at the world passing you by one current after another.  Rest.  The current God has you in may feel like a shore at times, but the reality, it's His wave you are on.  He is the only one you need to follow, move with, cling to.

Dear Sadie.    

Day 180...bookstore day, part 1: teenage girls

How scary is the life of a misguided teenage girl.

So I'm sitting in the bookstore cafe, trying to keep my mind centered on the book I'm grazing, munching on my wild blueberry muffin and sipping an americano.  Meanwhile, these two girls no more than fifteen sit at the table beside me within arm's reach.  One reads aloud to her friend, while the friend peruses her smartphone.  The one reading aloud gleefully shares segments from the novel she picked up, a casual account of a provocative fourteen year-old.  That's right, fourteen!  (and no, I'm not trying to listen, it's almost as if they want someone to hear, the way they are talking)...the first scene is a girl waking up from yet another drunken party next to a boy whose name she doesn't know.  "That is just like you!" smartphone girl proclaims to the reader.  "I know!" the reader proudly agrees. She reads a little silently, and then shares the next profound detail in the scene.

As I try my hardest to block the girls out and focus on my reading, my my mind wanders to their home lives...their parents probably have no clue, or either don't care, about what they're reading while out on a seemingly harmless trip to the bookstore.  Forget what they're reading!  How about their misled lives?  They're so young, too!  How could this be?  I sigh and try to focus on my book on writing.  Ugh...

I think about you.  My pure, precious, innocent Sadie.  

Will this be my daughter someday?  I think to myself.  No, she will know better!   ...I hope?  Yes.  She will know.  I'll make sure of it.

I think back to when I was fifteen.  I did some things with my friends I am not proud to mention.  While not coming close to drugs and sex, still, I knew better.  Even with my close relationship with God, sweet little Christy went along with her peers.  

How will I ever manage the teenager years?  God help me!  All I can imagine is, I will pray through this "raising," me and your daddy will.  It's hard even imagining you being this old, honestly.  I am believing for your trust in Jesus.  Life can be a scary mess with all the influences out there.  But it's also a beautiful one when spent for Christ!  All I can do is trust Him and continue to seek Him with all of my heart!  Here is to you being a shining light for Jesus in this dark and orphaned world.

Dear Sadie.

Day 179...values

Now that we are all getting older (notice I said all, not just you--I'm always telling you to not grow up...you should probably be telling me the same thing!), it's easy to see how hectic and busy life can get, especially in the western culture we live in.  Run here, drop off, run back, pick up, etc., etc.  I have an intense desire to not get to that place.  Ever.  You have to be careful with voices.  Are you going to listen to God, trust the advisers He places in your life, and most importantly, His Word?  Or are you going to listen to the culture, the trends, the status of your neighbors, peers and yes, even your church friends?  I hope I can raise you right in the light of knowing that slowing down, enjoying the Presence of the Lord, being still long enough, savoring the simple stuff, living a quiet and eternity-focused life, seeking His glory, is the only way to live.  How in the world can I express this to you?  Only by living it first, I guess!

Dear Sadie.

Day 178...Dancerella

Okay.  So I have writer's block.  I have no idea what to write about, and I've been running dry ever since these vacations sucked the momentum out of me.  So I am forcing myself to write to you today, not having a clue what to write about.

Tonight I was looking up ballet classes for you.  You are very much interested in dance, gymnastics, and so on.  I don't feel like I'm the one initiating this activity, but you are.  You are such a girl, and you show us all of the time with your twirls and prancing.  I think if you only have a little bit of training, you would take off, literally!

I pray that the Lord would make a way that we could get you started in a class as soon as possible, so that you could experience the joy of dance.  One day, I pray it would develop into a self-expression overflowing from your heart for the purpose of praise to the Father.  Oh, how He loves us!

Dear Sadie.

Day 177...Can I have that in writing, please?!

Oh joy.  The things that come out of the mouth of babes. 

Yesterday I asked you to do several chores around the house.  I can proudly say that my little just-turned-four-year-old is such a big girl, she hasn't complained about me asking her to pick up or do this or do that in a long time!  Where did you come from? :)  And I haven't even told you the best part yet...

As I was saying, yesterday your favorite saying was "Whatever you say, Mommy.  I will do it."

Wow, can I have that in writing, please?!  Such an angel you are.  I know it won't always be a bed of roses, but this sure is a sweet, fragrant time for you and me.  I am cherishing every moment.

Dear Sadie.

Day 176...My Dreams for God's Girl

When I look at you day by day, my heart swells with dreams for you, my sweet girl.
I don't know how many will come to pass.  It makes my heart so happy to imagine you growing up and enjoying life.

On top of enjoying life, I pray and envision you to dance before the Lord with all of your heart.

I pray and envision you serving others and treating them better than yourself.

I pray and envision you singing to God from the depths of your soul and spirit.

I pray and envision you making a home with delight and contentment and peace.

I pray and envision you being a wife of noble character.

I pray and envision you being a mother in faith, hope and love, keeping all three alive as you trust in Him.
I pray and envision you seeking God and His wisdom in your life.

I pray and envision you living in supernatural ways as God works in your life daily.

I pray and envision you to be a respectful, honoring citizen to people you come in contact with every day.
I pray and envision you to first and foremost, to trust Jesus as your Savior and Lord.

I pray and envision you walking in truth as it works out practically in your life through His Spirit in you.

I pray and envision you fearless.

I pray and envision you carefree.

I pray and envision you a beautiful daughter of the King...His and ours, little princess...Sadie Jane.

Your name means princess, lady...and that you will always be. Your middle name God is gracious, and that is what you always show me.

Dear Sadie.

Day 175...Playing "store" at Home

Imaginary play in the home is so fun!  The other day we used expired food to create a grocery store in our kitchen.  We got our little grocery cart and cash register toys out and you had a blast!
I enjoy watching you imagine things out in your mind.  This is the age when your imagination is at its highest peak (in my opinion) and I love to see you acting like a "grown-up." Just a little note today, a reminder to have fun and make imagination a part of every day life in the home, at all ages!

Dear Sadie.