Has motherhood drunk up all of me already? I used to think I knew something about something. Now when I'm out in public on a day like today with the purpose of just "hanging out," in the midst of the hustle and buzz, I start to think to myself, what do I know?
At this very moment I feel so bare with my three persons I've become so fond of, so attached to, away from me, playing together, without me for the afternoon. I am new, virgin-like in this fast-paced world.
Everyone else seems to know why they're here at the bookstore. I'm a blubbering fool, ordering my coffee as if I even know what half the words mean on the menu. I glance at magazines and feel so underdressed, so unglamorous. Even the books are mocking me with places I've never been, never even heard of. They boast about philosophies, culture wars, cupcakes, feminism, websites, and modern political figures. Authors I will never know, subjects I will never have an opinion about, novels I will never taste. Hundreds of thousands of them, bright and beautiful sit there and taunt me, What do you read? What do you know? No one seems as alienated as me at the moment. Like a scared little school girl I enter in and tell myself to relax. I remind myself why I'm here.
I take a deep breath in and let it out.
I'm not the same as I was pre-family. I never will go back and be that girl. What did I really know then, anyways? College forced me to be in the know. Colleges like to have that sort of effect on their pupils. You start to get a big head, what with all the books and all.
Now I am knowledgeable about new things. Beautiful, pure and lovely things. Personal loves I belong to. I have evolved into this thing called motherhood I once looked upon with such naivety. And it's all going to be okay. I am going to be more than okay.
I sit a little taller, taking another sip of my americano. I start to see the families with restless toddlers in strollers, single females on computers, parents chatting with their adult children, students, business men. The scales start to fall as I break a little easier, letting it all sink in.
My advice for you is really my advice for me today. Let today be what it is. Let you be you.
Be grateful for yesterday, grateful in today, and grateful for a new tomorrow.
Be who you are today, not wishing for the you of yesterday, nor wishing for a better you tomorrow. Let God be God, and you be you.
Let Him in. Let Him hold you. Love you. Teach you.
You may have times where you feel like you are standing alone on the shore, looking at the world passing you by one current after another. Rest. The current God has you in may feel like a shore at times, but the reality, it's His wave you are on. He is the only one you need to follow, move with, cling to.
Dear Sadie.
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