Day 77...You have lost your muchness

Dear Sadie,
Today we watched Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, the very first movie I took you to in the theater.  It reminded me of my very first baby shower for my first baby...you!  Tonight I am reminded of how perfect of a theme choice my family and friends came up with for this special event.  I felt it that day.  The tea party in the yard, the "Eat Me" cupcakes.  The book theme of Alice made having my little girl feel even more like a fairy tale.  This new beginning and new chapter in my life felt like I was entering a wonderland myself!

The Burton version we watched tonight is very funky and radically weird and artistic of course.  I like it, and I usually don't like too weird of things.  This one has a different depiction of Alice, yet she is the same girl.  It's  Alice coming of age, girl becoming woman.  Unlike the original story where Alice is a little girl and Wonderland ends up being a dream, this new one has a deeper inspiration that leaves you to an open interpretation, if you like.  Really, whether it is a dream or not, Alice comes out of Underland a new, better version of herself.  She becomes stronger, more self-assure and confident, and finds her will power.

One of the best scenes is where Mad Hatter says to Alice, after she says she couldn't slay the dragon,
"You're not the same as you were before.  You were much more...muchier.  You've lost your muchness."
Sometimes I feel as though having children has cost me to lose my muchness.  I used to be much more muchier.  Really, I hate to say it, but sometimes I like the before-kids Christy better.  Probably because I had a lot more going for myself.  I feel bad and selfish even saying it now.  Even with all of the WONDER-ful aspects of motherhood, it's the most challenging role in life to give oneself over to, without losing yourself, your muchness.  Now I'm coming through the fog and learning that I can be Christy the Mom, and Christy the Wife, and still just Christy...in Christ, for without Him I am nothing. While there's still a lot more of me left to be discovered, I'm okay with that now, this side of Wonderland.  I don't have to let one role dominate the rest of me, as if that were all to me, like Motherland.  Rather than being down on myself or self-critical, I can rest in the assurance that the dragon HAS been slayed, and there's much freedom and wide-open space to be who God made me to be, without working out every self-improvement strategy there is out there, or putting impossible expectations on myself. I am not confined and I will not conform.  I have the Christ-confidence to be me in whatever roles God places me in, allowing His Spirit to dwell in me.  He makes me ready.

And as cheesy as all of this may sound coming from an Alice in Wonderland analogy, I'm telling you, losing and finding yourself will happen more than once in your life.  I want you to be ready for it, and know that we've all been there.  There are many lessons to be learned in the process, ones which you will have to learn on your own.  There may even be a Mad Hatter by yourself there to say "You've lost your muchness."  But take courage, God equips you with all that you need.  Be brave!  He is with you.  Let yourself off the hook, for if you try to slay them all on your own, you will never win.  There are weapons to hold and there is armor to wear.  Just go one step at a time, and only let Him define who you are, not what you do.  I love you.

Love,
Mommy

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

"...that you may filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:19

Day 76...Pandemonium and Praise

Dear Sadie,
Sitting down to the piano felt good.  It doesn't come high on my priority list these days as I know it should.  My guitar, too, sits idly in the corner behind our nifty handed-down orange rocking chair.  Today I find time and I sit.  "His Name is Wonderful."  That looks like a good one, flipping the pages of my favorite tattered red Marantha! Music Praise Chorus Book.

I start.

"His name is Wonderful,
His name is Wonderful,
His name is Wonderful,
Jesus, my Lord."

Kids are now sitting on both sides, banging along with me.

"He is the mighty King,
Master of everything,
His name is Wonderful,
Jesus, my Lord."

I sing out with boldness, playing the notes as I see them.  I smile at how bad we sound, and how glorious it feels to not care.  His Name is wonderful.

"He's the Great Shepherd,
the Rock of all ages,
Almighty God is He."

Titus is off playing now and you are twirling behind me.

"Bow down before Him,
Love and adore Him,
His name is Wonderful,
Jesus, my Lord."

Yesterday I may have huffed and given up because of the kids in their distracting and interfering ways.
Today I am delighted that I can praise, and play, and glory in my God, a midst the mess and noise of life with kids.

Now I know not to worry if little hands are blocking my reach to the low C.  I just keep going.

Nothing can block my heart from reaching

 His

Wonderful

Name.

Push through the pandemonium with praise.

Next song....

Love,
Mommy

Day 75...Life in Season

Dear Sadie,
I'm so glad life happens in seasons.  That way, if we start to get overwhelmed with this one, we can just say, "Change will come again soon," or "This, too, shall pass."  It seems I always reach a point of saying Enough!  when it comes to actual climatic conditions.  Like when our hot and sticky Georgia summer lingers and I am sick of hibernating indoors in the luxurious AC.  Then Fall swoops in to save the day, my favorite hero of all seasons, cooling me off to the fresh outdoors and blowing my mind with colors so vibrant it's unreal, yet not  so cold that I want to be bundled up inside.  Change is always around the corner, which is why we have to strive so much to remain present in our present situation and atmosphere.  These conditions will never be the same.  So look around and pay attention, and gather it all up before it is gone.  Just about anyone able to express it would say the same thing.  I've even heard of a 1st Grader, in passing the Kindergarten classroom, and in essence he said, "Those were the days."

I look back already, the newness of thirties now wearing off, no outstanding wrinkles to loathe or gray hairs to color just yet.  Just old enough, I look back to my childhood when playing outside with the neighborhood kids was like breathing air.  I look back to high school when I walked the halls concentrating on not looking like I was concentrating on anything or anyone.  I look back on college when my ties to home were cut suddenly and the freedom which led me to strange places and wandering choices.  I look back on my days overseas teaching foreign faces and walking beside cars stuck in traffic on narrow streets that smelled of sesame oil and pharmaceuticals.  I look back on the newlywed life of no necessary budget and dating all of the time.  Now I look at this season, and if I had to call it anything, it'd be Spring, and how timely, too.  Spring because my heart is coming alive to my circumstances.  Spring because finally the flowers are blooming, and I take notice long enough for it to bring a smile to my face.  Spring because the early days of motherhood can seem so cold and dark and lonely, and I'm now warm and able to see enough to appreciate the blessings it brings amidst the untrimmed flowerbeds that have sat all Winter.  It's not all fun and games like Summer, but it's a time for transformation, and my heart knows it.

I hope you too can look around and pay attention to the atmosphere around you, whatever season you are in.  There are always things you want to change, some things you are grateful for, some people you will struggle with.  When looking back, out of all of the stuff I miss most about each season, it's the people my heart aches for the most.  Girlfriends...teachers...boyfriends...mentors...family members.  Too far in distance, some seemingly from a former life.  It's the people who made each fragment of time unforgettable, and now in corners of my mind, even mythical.  I can't go back, but framed in my heart, I cherish what each person brought to who I am today.  No, I can't go back, but I can squeeze the sponge of today and promise myself to not miss a drop.  For each one, each person and each moment, watered my thirsty soul.

This Spring, I hope to make you laugh as much as I can when you beg me to play with you, to make your Beanie Babies talk to each other, because one day you'll want me to leave the room so you can talk to your friend on the phone.

This Spring, I hope to pay attention to my babbling Titus every time he wants to look and point and talk about everything he sees when he's resting on my arm, because one day he will want to internalize it all, and I'll wonder about his thoughts when he finally can make verbal sense.

This Spring, I hope to love and support my ambitious husband who is growing every stronger as a leader in business, community and home.

This Spring, I hope to pay attention to every person God plants in my life, every moment a seed for me to attend to, for they all serve a unique purpose and hold special places in my garden.

I will hurry up and slow down so not one miracle will be missed.

Love,
Mommy

Day 74...Weakness

Dear Sadie,
Today was "check out" day.  Whether it was the wrong thing or the right thing to do, it was the needed thing.  Seriously, I felt all energy leave my body today, mental and physical, and I had to literally distract myself from you kids for awhile to muster up any mental or physical capabilities.  Pizza and The Apprentice while you guys played in the living room.  Taking a break for giving Titus a drink and a diaper change, I literally had to check out and let you know I was watching a show, and we could do that later.  I had a little guilt, and still do, to be honest, but what's more, I didn't know what else to do.  There are days when I, because I'm a mom 24/7 and I work almost every hour I am awake, just need a break.  If no one else is around to help me, I just feel like I need to go to my last resorts, and rest assured that you two are going to be okay because in the end, what's a couple of hours? In the end, you two need a mom who can be recharged on emergency, however that needs to happen. I was impressed that you even went upstairs and cleaned your room like I asked you to during that time.  You are amazing.  I like to think I have some credit to take for your amazingness, but really I know that it's just you.  Moms have to have moments when we are not on our "game" so-to-speak, and that just means we are weak.  I'm not too proud to admit I am always learning.  Hopefully, I will learn my way out of checking out mode, and when I get the answer, I will give it to you.
Love,
Mommy

"When I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Day 73...Sleep!

Dear Sadie,
Sometimes sleep needs to take precedence over all else, because it is river from which all strength and creativity flows. Haha.  I think about writing a letter tonight and all I can think of is one word, BED.  So with that, dear daughter, I say good-night.
Love,
Mommy

"I like down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me."  Psalm 3:5

Day 72...This season

Dear Sadie,
Tonight as Daddy and I were praying together (something we want to do more!), I became overwhelmed with thanks for this season we are in.  It brought me to tears.  This non-perfect, glorious season I do not want to end.  This season of watching my two little flowers growing and sprouting up into such beautiful, fragrant kids.  This season of being with you all day, knowing it will pass before I can say I've had enough.  This season of playing on the floor, cutting and pasting, baking cookies, pushing strollers, bathing tiny bodies, and good-night kisses.  An old friend of mine used to say, and I'm sure it's well-known, "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds the future."  And I can honestly say I've never been more at peace, right here in the midst of uncertainty.  The light shines on us, pouring down to our feet.  We see just enough.  I rest in my bed knowing I don't have to know.  I slow down my heart long enough to feel the goodness of God and His Gentle, Giant Hands resting on our shoulders like a loving parent.
Love,
Mommy

"Find rest, o my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him." Psalm 62:5

Day 71...A Process

Dear Sadie,
I feel like I need to say something.  I hope it's not coming across that I think I know everything.  More than anything, I know that life is a learning PROCESS.  Writing to you is helping me process through the truths God is teaching me right now.  One of those truths is, I do NOT have everything figured out.  So while I'm writing you letters, I want you to know I could very well change my mind about anything a day, a week, a month, or a year from now!  The point is, it's all a learning process, and I am not too pious or blind to recognize a lot of things you have to learn for yourself.  At the very least, you will have shared with me a year of our life together by the end of this, and the struggles and intentions I held during this year.
Love,
Mommy