Today we watched Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, the very first movie I took you to in the theater. It reminded me of my very first baby shower for my first baby...you! Tonight I am reminded of how perfect of a theme choice my family and friends came up with for this special event. I felt it that day. The tea party in the yard, the "Eat Me" cupcakes. The book theme of Alice made having my little girl feel even more like a fairy tale. This new beginning and new chapter in my life felt like I was entering a wonderland myself!The Burton version we watched tonight is very funky and radically weird and artistic of course. I like it, and I usually don't like too weird of things. This one has a different depiction of Alice, yet she is the same girl. It's Alice coming of age, girl becoming woman. Unlike the original story where Alice is a little girl and Wonderland ends up being a dream, this new one has a deeper inspiration that leaves you to an open interpretation, if you like. Really, whether it is a dream or not, Alice comes out of Underland a new, better version of herself. She becomes stronger, more self-assure and confident, and finds her will power.
One of the best scenes is where Mad Hatter says to Alice, after she says she couldn't slay the dragon,
"You're not the same as you were before. You were much more...muchier. You've lost your muchness."
Sometimes I feel as though having children has cost me to lose my muchness. I used to be much more muchier. Really, I hate to say it, but sometimes I like the before-kids Christy better. Probably because I had a lot more going for myself. I feel bad and selfish even saying it now. Even with all of the WONDER-ful aspects of motherhood, it's the most challenging role in life to give oneself over to, without losing yourself, your muchness. Now I'm coming through the fog and learning that I can be Christy the Mom, and Christy the Wife, and still just Christy...in Christ, for without Him I am nothing. While there's still a lot more of me left to be discovered, I'm okay with that now, this side of Wonderland. I don't have to let one role dominate the rest of me, as if that were all to me, like Motherland. Rather than being down on myself or self-critical, I can rest in the assurance that the dragon HAS been slayed, and there's much freedom and wide-open space to be who God made me to be, without working out every self-improvement strategy there is out there, or putting impossible expectations on myself. I am not confined and I will not conform. I have the Christ-confidence to be me in whatever roles God places me in, allowing His Spirit to dwell in me. He makes me ready.
And as cheesy as all of this may sound coming from an Alice in Wonderland analogy, I'm telling you, losing and finding yourself will happen more than once in your life. I want you to be ready for it, and know that we've all been there. There are many lessons to be learned in the process, ones which you will have to learn on your own. There may even be a Mad Hatter by yourself there to say "You've lost your muchness." But take courage, God equips you with all that you need. Be brave! He is with you. Let yourself off the hook, for if you try to slay them all on your own, you will never win. There are weapons to hold and there is armor to wear. Just go one step at a time, and only let Him define who you are, not what you do. I love you.
Love,
Mommy
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"...that you may filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:19
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