Day 209...faithful servant

My strength + My understanding = Failure

His Strength + His Wisdom = Miracles

It's basically the process of dying to self that keeps us going in the right direction.

I've had to learn this lesson in a big way when I was in complaining mode on the other side of the world.  After three years in Korea, I began to feel deep, disheartening unrest.  I remember one day sitting in the bathtub reading the familiar passage in Matthew when it struck me,

"Well done, good and faithful servant!  You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things."  Matthew 25:24

At that time, I wanted more.  I wanted to be in Africa where there were starving and dying people everywhere, desperate people in need of a touch from God.  I felt so desperate myself to get out of the slump I was in, teaching "rich" kids who all had to have the latest cell phones.  I was being selfish.  Selfish?  Selfish to want to give my life over to the poor?  Yes.  Selfish and self-centered to demand more, to not be content with God's will for me.  To not be faithful with the few that were given to me.

Still now today, working in the home and not having a "job" has become more of a difficult path than I ever imagined.  I shouldn't say that I don't have a job.  I do care for children besides my own, too.  But what I mean is, I'm not pursuing my career or on the mission field that I once enjoyed.  (Yes, I loved serving in Korea with all of my heart!)  I didn't actually make plans to be here, it's the path God has led us down through various circumstances.  Some women knew they'd be doing this all of their lives and never wished for anything more.  They must be so content!  I'm not saying I'm not content a lot of days.  I'm just saying, this has stretched me more than I ever could have imagined.   Even now that I've begun homeschooling you at four years-old (although that really began when you were an infant!), there are days when I want to throw in the towel and say, "She'll have much more fun at school!  I'll just enroll her!"  But then I stop and think about it and wonder what it is I am saying!  This is God's will for us.  This is what we're doing.  And I can't quit every time it gets hard.

Being faithful with the little things.  If there are days when I do nothing else but read with you, then I have to be okay with that! If we have days where there is a lot of productivity and lots of laughing, I am in heaven!  The hardest part for me sometimes, I think, is not having the adult interaction I once had.  I love to be around people and have that kind of connection.

All of this is stretching me big time.  It's a big part of what led me to start writing you.  I want you to know your mommy through this season in a way you can't possibly know at four.  We are so close, it's hard to think about you not really "getting" me on every level right now.  I am deeply, deeply touched by our close relationship and intimacy we share.  I wouldn't trade a thing in the world for it.  I pray we share this deep of a connection until Jesus comes back.

So to end, be faithful with the small stuff.  Do not rely on your own plans, your own understanding, even your own strength.  If you do, God will not be able to show you how big He is.  Be faithful with whatever He gives you, and He will do the miraculous.

Dear Sadie.