Two hundred days of writing you. Wow. Yikes! I still don't know how I'm going to finish 365 letters in 365 days. I've missed so many days. The tasks of every day life have taken priority. Being a mom, working at home, it's been an eye-opening experience. Eye-opening to just how selfish and self-centered I once was. (not that I'm not still!) If I had it my way, I'd have about 3 hours to read every day, 3 hours to write, 3 hours to sit on a bench outside or row a canoe, go for a walk, go shopping and hang out at a coffee shop, surf the net a while, visit the elderly an hour at a retirement home, feed the homeless, (okay so I added those last couple so I wouldn't seem so selfish, but I really would want to do those things) and then get my day started feeding my kids, playing, cooking, cleaning, etc., etc. But what kind of person would I be? An unrealistic one.
Being a parent has changed my whole way of thinking. I used to see moms and think how they had lost their former "cool" selves in all of the "mom-ness." All they could talk about were there kids! I'd think, How sad. There seems to be nothing else to them but their children. I'll never be like that, I promised myself. And yes, I have fallen. I have fallen in love with my children! I have fallen a victim to the momhood. But, it's not that I've lost my former self, or sense of self, or anything of the sort, as I once perceived. I see it as having gained so much more. My offspring, my husband, my family, have added blessing upon blessing on my life. Glory to God for His grace. If anything, I haven't been lost, but motherhood has found the truer heart of who I am to be. If I am lost, it's because I'm buried. Buried in blessing. That's a pretty good way to lose oneself I'd say.
There's no longer time to devote to self as I once did in college....ride my bike down by the river...read the Word in random parks in the city sprawled out on a blanket...stroll through the mall for a whimsical purchase of a shirt or accessory...eat raman noodles for dinner...go to the gym every day...play pool for an hour after lunch.
Those were great days. Wonderful days! Days I will never forget. I will hold them in my heart as a treasured season. And now for this. I embrace what these uncertain days hold for me. For God is stretching me in ways I never had imagined in those earlier carefree days.
My days may be crazy and uncertain, but I am certain and confident in this. God sees and holds and knows. I'm crazy about Him. And I'm crazy for this life He unfolds to me in each and every moment, should I be awake to them.
He holds my yesterday, today and tomorrow.
He knows what He is doing.
While there are many days I feel useless to the rest of the world, I know with all my heart I've been given the huge and important task of ministering to four extremely important people within these four small walls.
I may not have the roaming freedom of my former days, but for this season, there is a new kind of freedom found only in the quiet places... and who am I kidding, the chaos too!
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