Dear Sadie,
Tonight was another one of my not-so-shining moments as a mom....and right before Mother's Day, too! After a lovely day with my mom and dad today, I decided to venture out to pick up a present at Barnes & Noble. I tried Books a Million earlier that day, but they didn't have the specialized autobiographical journal that I really wanted to get for my mom for Mother's Day. So we made the drive out there at 7:15 this evening. By 7:25 you were passed out. I thought Good, then she can get a little nap in. This might actually be good timing, because if we really head home right now, she might really fight me if I wake her up in ten minutes, but if I go another twenty in the car, she'll be energized enough for a walk through the bookstore and a visit with Daddy at Newk's next door. Okay, so I thought. I started to think I should listen to the little voice in my head that said Nah, it's better not to push the kids tonight. They're really tired. You're going to regret it. But no. I had to doubt that little voice and go with the one that said I really needed to get this gift for my mom and it couldn't wait. Pushing through traffic, I noticed gray clouds moving in up ahead, especially covering the area right where we were headed. Oh, great. I started to dream about the evening cup of coffee I will treat myself to for the long night I feel I am getting myself into. Meanwhile, you were conked out, mouth hanging open, off in dreamland. Titus was perky as as a hamster, admiring all of the trucks and big cars his little eyes could find. Maybe this will turn out to be a success after all, I hope to myself. The rain started pouring down. We eventually pulled into the parking lot between Barnes & Noble and Newk's, and I thought about how convenient it was that we could kill two birds with one stone. I would later be thinking about how great it would have been to skip both birds and call it a night.
I turned off the car and passed Titus a book, hoping also to pass a little time and add a few more valuable power-nap minutes for you. Titus lasted maybe ten minutes with a book, a car, and a segment of a DVD. Not bad, I thought. Putting my own book down, I began to wake you up as gently and cheerfully as possible, hoping to avoid any cries of outrage. From experience, I knew I would either wake up a sweet little angel with a peaceful hi and a smile, or the alternate Grouch from Dreamville crying "Noooo!" The wide-eyes and the look around you spoke to me...It's the Grouch. Several thrashes were your attempts to go back to sleep. Titus got more and more anxious to get out, so I felt I needed to bite the bullet. We came all this way, and I better stay committed no matter what. I began to talk you into how fun it would be, what we were going to do, where we were going, etc. Next, I pulled you out of the van in the rain, trying desperately to even keep your flip flops on you. I grabbed Titus around the other side and ran you both to the sidewalk by the store, trying not to get us all too wet. Of course, there was no covering until we're actually in the store. What a way to wake up. You were whining like crazy, "Nooo...", "Nooo..." Nervously I'm thinking, What am I doing here? Have I gone mad? This is torturous! Not just for Sadie, but for me, too! Still trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay, I got us into the store. We weren't too wet, thankfully. Still pouting and on the verge of a major meltdown, you were barely even awake. I desperately grabbed a book on animals in the doorway, thinking anything of interest to you could distract you from the horrible wake-up you just experienced. But you instead dropped the book and started crying. I scooped you both up as quickly as I could and trotted over to the Starbucks inside the store, plopping you at a table. Trying to sound not at all frazzled, I turn to you, "I know what you'll like, Sadie....How about a chocolate milk?" You agreed. Yes, finally a ray of hope. The whining finally stopped; Mommy got her coffee; Titus was ecstatic about his trip chocolate chunk cookie, which we all shared; you were quieted by the sweet, chocolate milk. Again the voice, this chocolate is going to keep them up all night! What am I doing! Too late. Stay committed to the mission.
Everyone is happy...temporarily.
This whole time I was thinking I really wish I had the stroller in the van...of all the times I needed it. And I really can't hold a diaper bag, too, so I'll pray we don't have any messes and hope we can get by without it. Right away I tried the journal section and immediately I was chasing down Titus from going this way and that way. Ugh, I can't find one I like...and I came all this way for nothing?! Titus had remembered the "choo choo" in the kids' section and was determined to get there with or without me. "Choo choo! Choo choo!" Okay. I gave in and thought we could get that out of the way and when you kids got tired of playing we could come back and look again for the journal. The first ten or fifteen minutes were actually relaxing at the train table. Titus happily pushed trains; you read books; I sipped coffee while reading books. Suddenly a feeling came over me that I knew would send us all through the roof. I had to go to the bathroom. Not the kind you could hold for an hour, the kind that warned, You better go now before it's too late. I decided to whisper a five-minute warning: "Mommy has to go, so we're all going to stop reading and playing and go to the bathroom in just a little bit. Then we will come back, I promise. You don't want Mommy to have an accident in her pants!" I kid (but not really). You smiled up at me thinking Silly, Mommy. I thought, Okay, this could actually go okay. Maybe she'll be cooperative with the early warning, and she won't punish me for keeping her up passed her bedtime, or waking her up from her late-evening nap. Think again, ever-optimistic one.
Finally, I couldn't wait another minute and decided to gather the troops, hoping for the best. Titus fussed, understandably, as I pulled him away from his very favorite toys (remember, no stroller to confine the wiggle-monkey). Thankfully, he gave in to my arms fairly easily. Then it was your turn, but immediately you turned into a raging teenager-wannabe. Embarrassed, I tried calmly yet sternly to sway you in my direction, trying not to make a scene to onlookers who were thinking, Oh dear. "I'm coming!!!" you yelled. After several fairly patient coaxes, I tried the whole walk away and hope that she follows -tactic. That's when things got really ugly. Carrying Titus, who, yep, dirtied his diaper like I had feared, I walked around the corner, checking behind me to see if you were coming. Sure enough, you came, but upset with me still, especially that I was hurrying you using the dreaded tactic, you came darting towards me as if to say, "See! I'm coming!" I'm sad to say, your poor little flip flops just didn't cooperate with this sentiment. As if things weren't already bad enough with poopy-Titus and about-to-explode-me, you tripped and soared through the air, skidding across the glossy wood floors. I panicked. The way you landed and immediately burst into tears felt to me like a trip to the ER was about to take place. As I tried scooping you up, Titus, of course, headed out of the kids section in a flash. I left you to snatch him, thinking Really? No one can stop to help a poor, panicking lady and a screaming, hurting child? ... I'm going to have to go to the ER now because I wouldn't listen to the voice in my head? I knew this was a bad idea!! I checked you out, seriously thinking you had broken a bone or something by the way you were crying. Judging by the marks on the back of your upper arm, it looked to me like you were going to be okay. Shock and surprise and pain fueled those tears. Still I was amazed that not one person stepped in to help. The wood floors had given you a pretty bad red burn and bruise, but thankfully that was all. With all of my guilt and embarrassment, the bathroom still called my name, and I managed to carry both you and Titus across the colossal book store. I guess everyone just thought you were another out-of-control kid. Granted, many of them probably heard your protests prior to the spill, so probably they thought that was all part of the commotion, trying to "tune out" as we parents are so good at doing. Nonetheless, I tried my best to put it all behind me and focus on the tasks at hand: finding relief, calming you down, and keeping Titus contained. Crammed in the tiniest space imaginable (the one for the wheelchairs was conveniently a smothered, nasty mess), I finally get to go while we chat about what had just happened, all while Titus was rattling the door and hitting the walls for entertainment. By this time you had fully recovered and even felt sorry for what happened. You talked about how you were now like Alice from the movie with the boo boo on your arm just like her. I tried to keep Titus from pulling at your arms and tickling you while I finished my business. But the chocolate was surely kicking in by this point, because all he wanted to do was jump up and down and find anything to put his hands on, particularly my toilet. What else could go wrong here! I did manage to keep him out of the water, but come on! Thankfully, he was happy, although wired like a two week-old puppy. Coming out of the restroom, we noticed a friend sitting in the big comfy chairs. A Godsend, really. She helped me watch you kids while I picked out a journal I was fairly happy with. We finally head to the car to change Titus' diaper, rain falling on my back while I'm leaning in, Titus lying on the floor of the van. I was beyond ready at this point to strap kids in and speed home in the rain, but no. Now we had to see Daddy. You were already at this point whining about getting in there to Newk's, and Daddy was expecting it. I was just so glad you had forgotten about my promise to head back to the kids' section prior to the fall. I really wanted to skip Newk's, but I really didn't want to have another battle. Plus, I really kind of needed a hug from my hubby at this point. He was so happy to see his family. And we were happy to see him and get hugs, even though I felt like someone should slap a "bad mommy" sticker on my forehead by this point. The next 30 minutes of grilled cheese and milk went fairly smoothly. Who am I kidding? You kids bounced on the seats and played under the table while I hurried you to eat and let's go. Luckily, at that time of night, not many customers were around to be annoyed and cast unapproving stares. On any other night, I wouldn't have allowed this to take place. But all I could think of at this point was, What should I expect, really?
All of this for a thoughtful Mother's Day gift? I'm thinking How ironic. The night before Mother's Day, I'm trying to beat the odds to pick out a gift for my mother, and here I am shining my true colors as a mom.
I'm reminded of how things can get when we put our agenda over the needs of our children. I call myself ambitious, but sometimes that's a actually a guise for foolish. This is one of many wake-up calls I have had as a mom; little awakenings to the little voice I know is the Holy Spirit trying to help me walk in peace if I'll only obey. It's a memory I hope to remember those days when I get a little prideful of my mothering and think too highly of myself. A night I will remind myself of when I am tempted to ignore the voice and go down a path of my own.
So now the word is out. I'm not perfect! I have my share of horror stories. I hope not to compile too many to share with you down the road. But I know you know this by now. I'm not perfect. But I am so glad to report I am not trying to be. Sometimes I take risks, and they end up being fun. But other times my disobedience gets the better of me and I fail miserably. You will too. I wish you could learn from my mistakes, but unfortunately I know you have to have your own battles to learn from. At least I could give you a good laugh. Thank the Lord that He is so merciful and gracious and compassionate, and can laugh when necessary.
Love,
Mommy
"My sheep listen to My voice; I know them, and they follow Me." John 10:27
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