Day 48...Here and Now

Dear Sadie,

I am finding the awe, wonder, and joy of parenthood comes at the most unlikely of times.  Not that tonight was particularly bad.  But I will say it was a far cry from a well-oiled machine or nifty and predictable pattern.  I now find my first peace and solitude for the first time in over 13 hours.  Kids asleep at 2 hours and 15 minutes past bedtime and I am thinking,  How.did.that.Happen?  Here's a guess:

1 twilight stroll and Barbie jeep ride (I blame the beautiful day and the urge to be outdoors) + 1 session of chatting with neighbors + 1 very tired mommy + 4 promised books + 1 slightly stubborn daughter + 2 late snacks for 1 finicky son + 1 drawn out potty time + 1 teething diaper right before bed + 1 teething diaper waking up tired baby boy + 1 sore bottomed-boy needing extra loves and cuddles - 1 Daddy =  10:15PM

Even after it is all said and done, you are lying on your pillow half asleep while saying, "I don't want to go to sleep."  But you are too tired to fight it anymore.  Your body relaxes with the weight of mommy nearby, and your arms are lying in the "surrender" position, palms up on your pillow.  I lean over you in the dark, whispering i love yous, my left arm under your right arm, and my right hand caressing your hair to the side of your forehead, much the way my mother used to do to me.  I rest my head on your chest, careful not to put too much weight on you.  I feel your heartbeat tap against my cheek and it reminds me of when I could feel that same tiny heartbeat dancing in my womb.  And now here you are, three years-old, drifting off to sleep in your own twin bed high off the floor, my old quilted blanket tucking you in, you purposely grasping a random pink ribbon you found in the bathroom, why, I have no idea. Your breathing changes and you are off to dream again.  Your brother is quiet and asleep on the other side of the wall and the whole house is still. And I am full.  Thirteen hours of pure kid interaction, and I am exhausted.  But as spent as I may be, I do not feel empty.  Neither am I hungry for "me-time."  Tonight...I am full.  Full of thanks.  Full of wonder.  Full and satisfied.

The kind of intimacy I share with my children astounds me.  I never knew just how fulfilling this life with children would turn out to be.  I now know that the connection I have with my offspring, and definitely also my husband, picture how God intended all of us to relate to him and each other.  Oh, how we need each other.  He wants our relationship with him to be beautiful and unpredictable, free and full of ecstasy, just as it is with our own closest soul mates.  It is His design!  If it is ever boring, it's a sign that something is in the way.  Because definitely most assuredly, god is not boring!

But we are not in the garden anymore.  A lot of those "should be's" remain lost and stolen.  Some of us feel we are left groping in the dark.  And others have medicated and/or distracted themselves enough not to know the difference.  Still, others are getting the bliss back more and more every day, thanks to Jesus.  Some call this sanctification.  Others call it perspective.  All I know is, because of Christ it is possible to truly enjoy and understand life here and now.  Eternity has sprung.  We have a destination, and we are on a journey, but we are also here now.  Time does not exist in heaven. That is how I feel when I am present with you, my daughter.  And that is how I want to feel every moment.  In His presence IS fullness of joy. 

I am grateful to have...

My family to help me see a little more clearly His glorious and undying love on this Journey...

My intimate GPS and Security Blanket on me at all times...(Holy Spirit)

My Jesus partnering with me as I trek along...

And my Father waiting on the other side, arms open wide.

What thrills His life has to offer!  The sorrows and discomforts are always there...always around us.  There will always be things there to frustrate us.  And I mean, ALWAYS.  But we are not left to want!  We are totally, absolutely, and completely loved.  He has taken care of all of our needs big and small, and purposed for us success and authentic intimacy should we choose to accept Him and believe Him for what He says. 

Oh my.........what poopies and bedtimes and exhaustion can bring out in a person!

Thank you, Lord, for it all.

Love you my girl,

Mommy

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward."  Psalm 127:3